Andrew (Part II)

** This post contains talk of self-harm and suicidal ideation**

If you missed Part 1 of Andrew’s story, you can read it here.

Andrew was determined to stop the inclinations he'd been taught were both unnatural and a serious sin. In his faith, the first step to making things right with God was to confess your sins to a member of your local clergy. He learned that confession would bring peace. But the idea of talking to someone about these deeply personal and scary feelings was overwhelming. Saying what he had done out loud was so unbearable he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead of confessing, to atone for his sins, he resorted to self-harming practices.

“At the time I didn’t realize that what I was doing was letting out the pain I felt on the inside. I just felt like I had to do something. I had to make it right with God. The reason for not confessing wasn’t my pride. It just seemed like it would make everything worse. I knew what a big deal this kind of thing was in my community and for my family. It was a huge deal and it just felt so heavy. Too heavy. For me, anyway. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to take care of it, and not make things worse. So, yeah, that’s what made sense to me at the time.”

Not surprisingly, despite his best efforts at being obedient and doing "what was right," his feelings didn't go away as he had hoped they would. Ignoring his inclinations was proving to be ineffective and, over time, detrimental to his emotional and physical health. He became severely depressed and harming himself became a regular practice.

Andrew firmly believed God was punishing him, though he didn't understand why. He had always tried to be good and to do what was right. He wondered why God would be so cruel as to give him an obstacle that seemed to be insurmountable. As the idea of being gay started to sink in, Andrew began to realize all he would lose because of it. He'd been taught that acting on his homosexuality was not only wrong, but that it would have eternal consequences. Being gay would keep him from God and his family. He started to mourn the loss of the life he was supposed to have, one that included a wife and kids: a family. It was the ultimate goal for people of his faith, one preached to him over and over as the one, and only way to find true happiness. It was an ideal that was increasingly unattainable.

In his early 20’s, Andrew lived quietly “out” for a few years, with only his family and few select people knowing of his homosexuality. It was a time in his life when who he was depended on who he was with. At times, he was trying to be the person he was supposed to be, and at other times he was trying to figure out who he actually was.

The next several years of Andrew’s life were a vicious cycle of trying to suppress his feelings, eventually acting on his feelings, punishing himself for it, then trying again. He made a series of unhealthy and risky decisions during that time. Choices he now looks back on with regret but also with understanding and compassion. He knows that some of what he participated in was dangerous and foolish, but he also understands why he was making those decisions.

"I was pretty miserable," he reflects. "I felt so out of control of the feelings I was having. I had suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the idea of it sounded like a relief – just to make the pain end. But then the realization would hit me that death would only bring more pain. Someone like me wasn’t going to heaven. So, even the idea of death didn't give me much relief. What really stopped these thoughts was my family. I couldn’t leave them suffering.”

It took years of constant struggle and efforts to lead a “normal” life before Andrew would start allowing space to think outside of the belief structures he’d been given. He started to entertain the idea that there could be another way to be happy. He wondered if it was possible that God was ok with who he was; if God really wasn’t testing him at all. Andrew started to rethink and redefine who God was, and what God thought of him. He allowed himself just enough freedom to break away from the beliefs he’d always embraced in an effort to lead a life free to be who he was.

I’ll share the rest of Andrew’s story next week. Thanks for reading!